Pioneer Chicken

Hello? Is anybody out there?

As a kid of the '80s I grew up with two kinds of fast food fried chicken: Kentucky Fried and Pioneer. My choice was Pioneer.

First of all, a kid doesn't care about herbs and spices. Second, things that are fried are supposed to be crispy. The Colonial's original recipe is NOT crispy.

Soggy Fried Chicken

But most importantly, Pioneer chicken was suuuuuuuuuper greasy. It was finger-lickin', bowel-lubricating guuuuuuuud.

Better in a Box

FUCK

Disneyland Corn Dogs - Crispy Deliciousness Like No Other!

Check out this exclusive video of me enjoying a delicious contribution to obesity caused by eating food at Disneyland! (Does that sentence make sense?!)

Part of a Balanced Breakfast

The only reason why I love Lucky Charms is for those stale, crispy marshmallows. Get yours at CerealMarshmallows.com

Remember This?

Yeah, neither do I.

They Plump When You...

It's Labor Day weekend. Labor Day means barbecues. And barbecues means hot dogs. As a child of the '80s my hot dog of choice was Ballpark Franks.

They *plump* when you cook them.

I didn't quite understand the kinkiness of that slogan, but the phallic commercial made me feel... strange... and excited.

Stick this in your bun!



But my favorite childhood hot dog wasn't a hot dog. It was the Oscar Mayer CHEESE dog. Sure it didn't plump (giggle), but it had a creamy, cheesy center. A scientific food marvel that blew my mind. How can you resist this?